busy nothings

Hear Me Roar

2006-03-31T19:39:00.000-08:00

I have neglected my blog. I'm a bad kitty. I guess I have to give you some back story. Just imagine that I'm a live version of some television drama and it's the beginning of the second season. I quit my job. Best thing I ever did! I never want to stay someplace that causes me as much grief as JJ. I managed to leave without getting into any major fights. I had the feeling that when I left it was going to be with a bang but my actual departing happened more like a whimper. God help me I wanted to just explode but I kept my composer. Go figure.
Flash forward to the present and your girl is working right next door to her old job! I'm a Beaner. I just started working at the CBTL and today was the end, more or less, of my second week. I have to say that I don't love it but it is what I asked for. I wanted new scenery, new people, I wanted a challenge and I got it. It's hard working with new people who don't care about me or don't want to get to know me. I can't figure out what is more exhausting, feeling miss treated by people you love and trust or not being loved and trusted at all. Most of the people at my new job are nice but you can just tell they are sort of ambivalent towards me. I'm trying really hard but it is so frustrating. There is one guy there who is just mean for the lack of a better word. He hates his job and I guess everyone in the immediate radius. Then there's Stalin; if Stalin was a small round faced Spanish woman. She never seems to have anything nice to say. It's stressful but everyone else seems nice...I guess.

Fed Up!

2006-01-08T22:34:00.000-08:00

I'm so angry. I'm a fist of furry: A ball of rage ready to implode. I can't take it anymore. There are four weeks between me and a resignation. Resignation makes it sound like I'm leaving something noble but I'm just quitting Jamba Juice. If it's not a spineless apathetic manager, now it's attitude from my co-workers who I thought were my friends. Fighting isn’t off limits between friends but respect should always be present and I was disrespected tonight. I don't feel like regurgitating a stupid argument so I won't. But I'm tired. I'm just tired. No, I'm sick and tired. I want to leave without burning bridges but right now I feel like burning down the bridge and the fucking forest. I have to keep it together because when I go it's going to be on my terms.

Blocked

2006-01-06T22:40:00.000-08:00

It’s a new year but I don’t have anything to say about it. I hope everyone had a safe New Years and I will try and get back into writing soon.

Happy Days

2005-12-19T23:46:00.000-08:00

School is done. Need I say more. Talk to you guys real soon and I hope everyone has a great Christmas. Give and recieve with love.

In Love and Loving It!

2005-12-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

I am in love. Yes, I know, it's crazy. Right? I'm in love. I am in love with poetry. It's been a long time coming but all the bad relationships and hardships have led me here: in poetry's arms. I must admit that it took me a while, you know to sort things out. The truth is I've always noticed how attractive poetry was. When I was just a young girl I used to admire poetry often but only in private. I never told anybody about it, I was scared and confused. You have no idea what it's like I mean other little girls are playing dress up and house I would spend hours alone writing. What, like I'm the only one? Please, everyone writes. Trust me. Ok, maybe not everyone but more people than you realize. I'm just woman enough to admit it. Of course back then I would pray that my mom wouldn't walk in on me writing; endlessly. It was bad timing then but I know myself now. The attraction is undeniable. Have you seen poetry? Can you say hot? Poetry is hot! I never really forgot about poetry, I experimented a little in high school. It was only natural that I would be curious. Boy those were some hot times--scary times--alone times. It's not easy liking poetry. I tried playing it straight for while; living my life without poetry. Trying desperately to avoid those hateful slurs: "you poet! Dreamer! Beatnik!" I don’t want to be a dreamer. I want to be like everyone else but some things are just meant to be. Some people are just born dreamers I guess. I haven't been a poet long. I'm still learning. I mean I don't even know if I have a right to call myself a poet yet. That's how new I am at it. Just because I love poetry doesn't mean I'm loved back. To tell you the truth, I don't even think I'm poetry's type. I’ve been to some those poetry clubs and I stand out like sore thumb. Poetry has had a lot of lovers. A lot! A hell of a lot more lovers than me. What could I bring to the relationship? Poetry has courted men and women who are far more experienced than I will ever be. How can I live up to that? How could I ever be worthy enough for poetry? Poetry's relationships are infamous. I'm over my head in this one. I would choose to love something that may never love me back. But I do love poetry.

P(M). S. I Hate Men!

2005-11-25T21:36:00.000-08:00

My job is composed of twelve people, seven of which are men...boys. At any given time when I am on a shift I could be working with most if not completely an all male staff. All of them are emotionally or socially retarded. Dealing with them sometimes makes me feel as if I'm becoming retarded. I'm retarded by association! Why didn't anyone tell that kind of stuff rubs off!
Our job is simple. A well trained monkey could do it. If fact, I think our customers would benefit from actual monkeys running the entire store. When’s the last time you got mad at a monkey? I bet you can’t remember any. And you could pay them in bananas.
I digress; I try to do my job well. I like to have fun and I do have fun when I work. But there are things I am responsible for and in general I am fairly ridged when it comes to following rules. It's just sort of who I am. I mean what I want to do with my life (drug counseling) it's important to follow the rules. Someone's life could depend on it. How could I follow them so strictly in one place and not at all in other places? I just feel like the people I work with just see me as a big joke. It pisses me off. Especially GameBoy, to him I'm just naive and fragile. I don't know anything. But what kills me is what he did tonight. Nobody else’s feelings matter to him. I'm having trouble with this one kid at work because no matter what I ask him to do he won't do it! I have to ask him five times before he even considers doing what I ask. I don't think he's doing it to be malicious because I know I'm not the only lead who has this problem. But fucking GameBoy just kept making fun of me every time I tried to get this guy to do anything. I just wanted to smack him up side the head. This fucking guy already does not take me seriously. It was hurtful and embarrassing. I hate men...boys! And most importantly I’m really starting to hate my job.

Promises, Promises…

2005-11-13T22:10:00.000-08:00

I know it has been a while since I last posted. To my three dedicated readers, I am truly sorry. To the rest of you…who am I kidding. Anyway, I promise that this week I will post about my birthday and the Stones concert. Just as a heads up, I didn’t spend any of my special day depressed or suicidal. Yay me! Also, I owe a whole post to my best friend Danny. It will be titled “Just Danny” and it will probably be in two parts. And last but not least, I think I officially have a booty call. Cool huh? Every girl should have one. I highly recommend it. Bye all.

Happy Birthday to me!

2005-11-03T08:39:00.000-08:00

Today is my Birthday. I'm trying hard not to let it get me down but I have a feeling that soon enough I'm going to lying in my bed listing to "You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You" and crying my eyes out. When I'm done convincing myself I'm unlovable, I'll probably second that with a "what the hell are you doing with your life." Followed by a "you're fat an ugly." All of which I'm sure there's a corresponding Frank Sinatra song. But I'll be depressed on Saturday because tomorrow I get to go see the Rolling Stones. Happy Birthday to me.

2005-10-30T19:22:00.000-08:00

Gavin and me in San Diego
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My Review! Finally

2005-10-25T01:29:00.000-07:00

Did you ever learn something about someone that literally kept you up at night? Well, a good friend of mine is a whore. And on that note, I had blast in San Diego. Umm not because I to am a whore but because ah...well, I'll just start from the beginning.

It took me forever to leave Los Angeles. I had a lot of things to do with little to no time. I was literally running around my house talking to myself; "I have to finish for Gavin. I have to finish for Gavin." Fast forward a whole lot of positive self talk and I get to San Diego around six. I was in such a hurry I forgot to bring practical things for my train ride like books and snacks: My iPod! So I ended up sleeping most of the way which worked out perfectly.
My hotel was super close to the train station and the venue. I only spent five dollars on cab fair for the whole weekend! That was just to get from the train station to my hotel and talk to Crazy Tales at the same time. I'm not skilled enough to do both. I have no sense of direction. The fact that I managed find the House of Blues on foot was a pure miracle.
It was no surprise that the line to get into the HOB extended around the corner but I am continually surprised at how many guys are at Gavin's shows. Don't get me wrong, I believe Gavin's music has mass appeal but I don't like having to stand behind fucking linebackers at every show. The guy ratio is even higher now than it was two years ago. They should really have a designated corner. What had me further daydreaming about "men only corners" were the two obnoxious drunkards towering in front of me. They had a beer in each hand and they kept leaving the crowd to go back to the bar. Thankfully one of them left and I was able to by pass the other loser.
I was worried about being able to see Gavin but I was also trying to get a peek at the opening act Teddy Geiger. He was amazing! He's only 17 and he has a striking voice and quirky stage presence. I would definitely travel to see him play live again. The best way I could describe his voice would be to liken him to John Mayer but I don't think that does justice to his originality. He has a fresh sound. You should check him out. http://www.myspace.com/teddygeiger
When Gavin came on stage I went into shock. It didn't register that I had actually made it to this concert. I felt like I was dreaming. I can't even remember what he opened with... But who wants to read another boring set list anyway, the real fun started after the show. I got my merchandise early so I could get in the meet and greet line with no hassle. And that's exactly what I had: No hassle. The lined moved smoothly and quickly.
Gavin adores his fans. I love how he manages to talk to everyone and somehow makes them feel like he's only there for that person. (That's a pimp skill.) It was clear that he remembered me which always makes me feel so good (I've got to train him on my name next). So he's mine for five seconds and here's what I did with it:

Gavin: Hey sweetie ::opens arms for hug::
Me: Hi Gavin ::embraces him like no other, then hands him shirt:: I was going to ask you to sign it "Happy Birthday" but if you tell me where you are going to be an hour that would totally make my day. (I've got a few pimp skills up my sleeve to)
Gavin: We are thinking about going to some bar named (and I still don't know what the hell he said but I think it was Loco or Lobo I don't know) L??? It's your birthday?
Me: In two weeks.
Gavin: Oh well happy birthday. I'm going to draw a little candle (A candle that resembled a house. I'm guessing you can't sound and look the way he does and be able to draw.)

So of course my head is spinning. As I am being directed outside, I quickly pull out my cell phone and dial 411. Where can I find L??? bar? Is there even such a place? Who gives a shit? Gavin didn't go there anyway. The meet and greet went on till about 12:45 and most places have to stop severing alcohol at 2AM. If there was a L??? bar he certainly didn't have the time to go there. The San Diego House of Blues has a funky set up. The front leads you to the concert hall and the back has a bar but I don't recall ever seeing the restaurant part. I wound up waiting on both sides before I turned around and went into the bar. Gavin is to beer as Fish are to water so I should have known that he would be in there. All I wanted to do was to get a picture with him but I couldn't even get close; there were too many girls. By the time I left the bar it was down to me and about ten die hards. As many concerts as I have been to I have never really hung out before. I'm usually happy with just getting something signed and leaving. In the future, however, I am so going to hang out because I had such a good time listening to the drunken rant of Mr. DeGraw. He talked about his parents, relationships, traveling...his ass. It was just cool. It really reminded me of sort of hanging out with CT (who I miss very much). With the exception of getting lost at 3 in the morning it was a great weekend.

Gavin Review Coming Soon

2005-10-24T16:41:00.000-07:00

I have to go to class now so I don't have a lot of time to talk about what happened this weekend. In the mean time check out these pictures that I took.

2005-10-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

Santa Fe Station in San Diego
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2005-10-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

Clang! Clang! Clang, went the trolley...
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2005-10-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

messy hotel room
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2005-10-24T16:26:00.000-07:00

A very cool venue.
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2005-10-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me! Umm in two weeks...
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2005-10-24T16:23:00.000-07:00

"I've got a bigger ass than all you bitches!" Gavin DeGraw
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2005-10-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

Oh Gavin
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2005-10-24T16:20:00.000-07:00

Gavin and some girl who is not me.
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Hold On, I'm Coming

2005-10-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel like every waking moment is just a minor distraction until the next Gavin DeGraw concert. This Saturday the G-man will be playing at the new House of Blues San Diego and I've got my ticket, my hotel, and at least three months worth of frustration. I couldn't be more excited. I have to get my birthday card signed; that's the goal. I'm planning on buying a birthday card for myself for Gavin to sign. Crazy? Perhaps. However, not as crazy as mailing the card to myself for my b-day. Now that's just nuts! Crazy or not, Gavin is so apart of my joy. And I have plans to enjoy him all weekend long. Don't worry, I will try and take lots of pictures. Hold on, I'm coming Gavin.

Lame

2005-10-16T23:37:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting week. Interesting being the word I use instead of some expletive that explains nothing but is convenient for describing something I don't have the vocabulary for.

CrazyTales left and he's gone forever. I'll miss him a lot but I think I could do without the rock star life style for a couple a weeks. I need to stay home more and umm play with my cat or something. My boss yelled at me; 60% of the stuff he was yelling about I wasn't really responsible for (I'm sorry you're an asshole but there is nothing I can do about that). I made two mistakes and he's yells at me for an hour and then apologizes with the excuse of “I’m human and I make mistakes!" Fuck you. Apparently, I am not human and should not be given the same courtesy.
Anyway, my pursuit for another job is still on. I had an interview on Friday that I was late for! I know being late is bad but it couldn’t be helped. GameBoy described it best”being late is like telling the interviewer that you enjoy eating babies as a hobby." I tend to agree but I'm trying to stay positive. I think it was a pretty good interview on the whole. Besides I wasn't the only one who was late.
I went to this good bye party for CT and it was kind of a downer. Everyone there was smoking pot. I knew they were going to smoke because the host is a big pot head but I didn't think that I would have to watch them do it all night. CT did it and apparently he did it the entire last week he was in LA (great fucking accomplishment). His two roommates did it and then get this shit... Goddess came over and did it. CT is a very mature guy for his age. I get it. I do. He wanted to try it and he did, all his friends (except for me because what I think doesn't matter) were cheering him on. Fine (not really) but what I am so disappointed in is Goddess. She only did it because everyone else was doing it (not me). That's just lame. That pissed me off more than anything; I thought she had more self respect. Anyway, it was just a pathetic night all together but I did get to spend time with CT and I guess that is all that matters. I'm so over these retroactive high school experiences.
Last week was also American Eyes. I love these guys. Their music really rocks and I know they are going to go a long way. I finally caught up with Oliver after all this time. He seemed really excited about their CD coming out but he made time to say hello and that was super nice. Anyway, I have to go to bed; I open in the morning and I wouldn't want to make any costly mistakes.

Tears

2005-10-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

CrazyTales has left me. I'm so sad. Tonight was my last night with him and I miss him already. Tears

Should of...

2005-10-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

I'm embarrassed. I am very embarrassed. I didn't do anything and I'm still embarrassed. There are movies made about the events I witnessed last night. I'm not even sure that it should be typed out but it was too surreal for me not process it this way.
Everything begins and ends with Goddess. I didn't do shit but that's beside the point. So Goddess really, really, really, (one more time for dramatics) really wanted to make out with CrazyTales. Really: If it were not for human error, I'm assuming the rigorous planning that was involved would have paid off. However, that would be entirely uninteresting. What is interesting is that as much as Goddess threw herself at CrazyTales, I never once heard him say he didn't like her. He did say that he had been hurt in the past and that he was scared of commitment but not once did he say “I don’t like you.” That was probably the only sincere part of the night.
Goddess had about two shots before she was in CT's lap professing love. It was... much like a deleted scene out of "American Pie." That's the best way I can describe it. This is going to sound cryptic but always play your objective ladies. If your going to be forward and direct you can't also be shy and demur. Goddess's attempt see-sawed between vixen and victim; It was an emotional vomiting of epic portions. I couldn't help but sit there and look at the mess and hope I didn't step in anything. But that’s an onlooker’s opinion; it must have been very attractive on CT’s end because before I could even finish my fifth shot they were gone. Drunk me equal trouble but me alone and drunk tends to be disastrous but my adventure that night is another story. So, I get back (yes back) and I am told that CT is passed out on the bathroom floor. Passed out but in actually he was passed out and naked from waist down on the bathroom floor. So the first thing that comes to my mind is that this is the result of a very pleasurable evening. ON THE FUCKING CONTRARY, it turns out that while they were making out CT had to go the bathroom but never came back. (Hence naked on the bathroom floor.) If that weren't bad enough Goddess proceeds to tell me that CT has no skills. That's right folks, none! I couldn't help it, I laughed my ass off. Despite the hysterics we were very concerned about CrazyTales. Shut up! We were… I have never seen him drink to the point that he’s passed out. That’s not the way I party. Anyway, his roommate pulled his pants up but ultimately CT got himself up off the floor. That was a relief until he asked “were you guys watching me?” I told the truth. Goddess had her own version but it turned out that he heard everything Goddess had said. I have never felt so bad in my life. It was so embarrassing. If that wasn't bad enough, his roommate comes out and says "dude everyone saw your man-gina!" Which I must admit still makes me laugh but it really is sad. CT is an amazing human being and guy. He experiences the world with such honesty and gives so much of himself and I feel like I was apart of something that may change that. I knew I should have taken my big black ass home.

Bitch

2005-10-04T19:03:00.000-07:00

"I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change..." Meredith Brooks

I'm stuck. Every so often I struggle to move and I tire myself out but I don't really get any where. I feel like I'm surrounded by other people who stuck also. Like were all on the same level of hell and it's never going to get any better than is right now. I think I need to go back to counseling. Stuff is getting to me and it's trivial and I know it but I'm so unhappy. Plus I'm really whiney and I hate whiney people.

Totally Whack
I’m angry. A friend of mine is planning on trying pot for the first time and it really makes me angry. Almost every guy I know smokes pot everyday like a fucking low life. Why is it that people who do drugs go out and try make the world more like them. I’m miserable but I don’t go out and say try depression it make your life a living hell but it’s worth the trip. The whole thing just makes me sick. Call it selfish but I know it goes back to my dad. One of his family members schooled him on shooting up and look how great that bonding experience turned out. Don’t get me wrong, I know pot and cocaine are not the same thing but they are in the same fucking boat. Don’t tell me you don’t know someone who has spent a good chunk of their lives smoking pot and doing absolutely nothing. See above for what a hell that is.

A Guide for Breaking Down: Part 1

2005-09-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

A good emotional break down has a way of sneaking up on its victims. Why? Well I'll tell you, most functioning individuals with normal coping skills don't suffer from nervous break downs. Most normal functioning individuals have a way of dealing with their emotions and there problems when they occur. However, you my dear friend are not normal. Don't act so surprised. You knew you weren't normal when you started reading this guide.

So You're an Emotional Freak and Other Realizations
The first rule to breaking down is realizing you are an emotional freak. You may need to ask yourself some key questions.

Do you cry at the drop of a hat?
Do you bottle up your true emotions?
Do you have problmes being open with family, friends, and loved ones?
Do you avoid your problems instead of dealing with them?
Are you prone to emotional outburst?
Have you ever consumed food to feed an emotional need?
Have you ever purchased something to hide from hurt feelings?

If you have answered yes to most of these questions then you are an emotional freak.

Stay tuned for our next section; “Congratulations You're A Freak.”

OK

2005-09-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

King Arthur: [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: *Look*!
Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.

It has been a crazy week but I'm ok. Besides all the Jamba bullshit I have been having some physical problems: I think I have a urinary track infection. Whatever it is it doesn't feel good and there's bleeding involved. All of which mean that I will probably have to see more doctors and take more medications.

[the Black Knight continues to threaten Arthur despite getting both his arms and one of his legs cut off]
Black Knight: Right, I'll do you for that!
King Arthur: You'll what?
Black Knight: Come here!
King Arthur: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Black Knight: I'm invincible!
King Arthur: ...You're a loony.

But I'm ok. I've been a hell of lot worse, that’s for sure. Anyway, I have decided to leave Jamba Juice. Well, leave as in when I get another job to replace it; I'm not crazy. I have always known that eventually I would have to leave but I have yet to want to and now I want to. I have spent the last year and a half claiming that I was taking time off for myself: I needed time to do what I wanted and focus on my needs. Well, that was bullshit. I didn't take time off to honor myself; I took time off to punish myself. I've always thought that I wasn't good enough and that I don't measure up to everyone else. Bullshit! Those were just lame excuses to so I didn't have to try. That has to stop now. It's not going to be easy but it has to stop. But I'm totally ok…

The Very Bad Day: A Continuation

2005-09-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

My manager is pissed. He wouldn't even talk to me when I called him the following day. If this was a normal job I think I wouldn't feel this bad but it's not a normal job. My manager and I are friends: We are more than friends we are family. He looks after me the way a father would and now I have hurt him tremendously. I don’t know what to do. I can apologize but trust has been broken. I don’t think that is going to be enough. It is because of our bond, however, that I am also hurting. I wasn't given the benefit of the doubt. I wasn't even given a chance to explain myself. I go out of my way to make sure that my manager has an easier morning. I’m given assistant manager responsibilities on a team leads pay and I have never faltered for a second. This is how I’m treated after one mistake. I can’t help but like he was waiting for me to fail. My horoscope said that day that there would be disruption in my house. I guess it was right. All good things have there end but this to shall pass.

The Very Bad Day

2005-09-13T08:07:00.002-07:00

The very bad day was backed with a very good weekend. Danny and I hung out all day Saturday. I got laid on Sunday but by Monday I was fucked. If you haven’t picked up on it yet, my weekend was exhausting: I’m still sore (from partying you pervert). It was a miracle that I made it to work by 6AM. However, that was the only miracle I was granted yesterday. I ended up having to open the store by myself because my partner didn't arrive until after the store was supposed to be open. Then we had power outages all morning, the printers weren't working, the registers weren't working, the carrot machine broke down. Someone called in sick and I could only cover him with someone who was still new. It was bad but it got worse. Our district manager came in just after a mid morning rush. So the store looked like shit and we never got caught up from the morning... It's not so much that I got caught, it's the fact that I let my manager down. I don't care about our DM she has never liked me; her disappointment in me is constant but it's not like that with my manager. He trusts me or he used to anyway. I can't even make a decent excuse because I could have done some things differently but I didn't. I chose to react the way I did and now I've hurt my boss and I feel like shit. Its crazy how long it takes to gain someone's trust and how quickly you can lose it. Out of all the times I have run a shift at my store it has never been that bad. I feel horrible. The people I work with are so much like my family and I just let a big part of my family down.

Hope

2005-09-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

A man stopped me in the street yesterday and proclaimed that God was punishing the world. That such disasters as hurricane Katrina were signs of God's displeasure with man's use of his creation. Maybe that man was right. We're destroying our world for the sake of reaching our own demise in a timely manner. It seems like people are committing more heinous acts of violence towards each other. We can't even spare our children from being harmed. Everyday there are children who are used and abused for the pleasure of the depraved. They way other children treat each other is indicative of the violence they witness everyday. So maybe that man is right, maybe we are being punished. Punishments, however, are never dealt out alone; they are always coupled with lessons. The lesson, I think, to be learned here is not give up on humanity. That people will surprise you. It is times like these when the world doesn't seem so hopeless. Seeing people caring and giving of themselves it just gives me hope.

Problems

2005-09-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

I have been having problems with my computer. I'll be back later to tell you what else is going on in my life. Oh and for homework watch a movie called "Rebecca" there will be references that I want everyone to get. Until next time…

Cat Out

Online Dating

2005-08-20T11:06:00.000-07:00

I’m trying to push myself to be more open minded. I’ve lost a little bit of weight. I’ve changed the way I dress. I’ve changed my hair and now my out look on life is in need of a make over. So I signed up for an online dating service thing to get my feet wet.
The dating really hasn’t happened yet; I’ve talked to a few guys but no bells going off yet. I was supposed to go out with someone today but he kind of stood me up in advance. I’m a little relieved to tell you the truth. I’ve never liked dating. It’s the whole prolonged interview thing. I know I'm supposed to be doing some interviewing myself but I don’t know what the hell I want. It’s all a bit too much.
Someone told me a while ago that I need a best friend not a boyfriend. That's true. I really need to get to know someone first and learn to trust them. Online dating is supposedly a way to do that. So far, what I have noticed is that there are a lot of divorced single dads in their 40’s looking for love. Luckily, I like older guys but I don’t know if I want to check into someone who has more baggage than me. I have this overwhelming desire not to have children or to get married but I want a committed relationship. I guess I should sit down and think harder about what I want because it’s really difficult trying to find my way to an unknown destination.

Mortified

2005-08-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

Debbie Hunt: Desperation - it's the world's worst cologne.

I am so mortified. I can barely talk about it but I will because there is no end to my shame. So it was another Jamba party at Crazytales' house and it was the usual round of suspects: Me, CrazyTales, Goddess, GameBoy, and of course my good friend Jose. So we were all in good spirits and paired off accordingly. CrazyTales and Goddess have mad chemistry so they always sort of end up together. Or you know…we leave them alone and hope for the best, like we're mating Pandas at the zoo. So GameBoy and I leave them alone and go by the pool to talk. As usual the topic of conversation is heavy and emotional; your run-of-the-mill alcohol induced sob story. Before I go on, let me walk you through a flash back: GameBoy just had a birthday. He's very sensitive about his b-day because he has experienced a huge amount of loss in his youth. He didn't really want that day to be celebrated but I went ahead and celebrated it anyway; I got him a gift. I didn't make a big deal out of it because I knew his birthday was a touchy subject but I didn't know the reason behind the why. Long story short, that night I get filled in on the “Life Time” worthy tale. I'm moved to tears and physical contact so I give him a hug. It feels like we are hugging for a long time before he gives me a friendly kiss on the cheek. Feeling moved yet again, I kiss him back but my kiss was a weird "more than friends" kiss on the neck. His reaction is, and I guess I would react the same way if it had been the other way around, to immediately get up lead me back into CT's apartment. If that weren't enough, in the car ride home I start playing with his hair and blah blah blah. I'm so embarrassed. I worked with him today and he didn't seem to act any differently around me or anything but I'm still mortified! I feel like I threw myself at him. I would never throw myself at him! I care about him tremendously but more brotherly love than potential mate love; I'm not a mating Panda! I'm more like that shark that ate all the other sharks because it didn't like captivity. I'm a shark damn it!

Gavin is my Greek God

2005-08-14T22:17:00.000-07:00

I sometimes forget how much I love Gavin DeGraw. As a good friend of mine reminded me, this is still his first album. His first album! But what my friends don't understand and won't understand until they see him live is that Gavin is an amazing performer. I really got a sense of that this weekend.
If you have not been to the Greek Theatre then let me paint you a picture: It's big. I said I'd paint you a picture; I didn't say it would be a good one. So it's big and it's outdoors. Both factors that would make it a difficult venue for just any artist to perform in. Gavin, however, who is so fantastically uncommon made that arena feel like some tiny club on sunset. He's an amazing singer/song writer and musician. Every show he plays is different. He has fun with his songs and every performance he pushes himself vocally. He's just fascinating to watch. That is why I endured no sleep for Gavin. No food for Gavin and Avril Levine for Gavin. Let me break down my weekend for you.
Thursday Aug. 11
4:30 AM wake up call
5;19 caught the bus
5:30 got off the bus to get breakfast at Canter's Deli (I love Canter's)
5:45 took bus to metro station and jumped on the train
6:10 arrived at Universal City Station
6:20 caught bus
6:30 arrived at NBC studios
6:35 got in line for Leno show tickets
8:15 got tickets
8:20 got in line to enter show taping
10:00 heard Gavin warming up and tried to squeeze myself under an iron gate to get a peek
10:10 got stuck under iron gate
10:20 iron gate area taped off
10;30 bonded with some out-of-towners
2:00 Gavin warms up again
3:10 let into studio
4:30 taping begins
4:35 bored to tears
5:00 free Gavin concert!
5-5:30 Gavin is singing. I'm drooling.
5:45 $17 cab ride to Greek
6:10 scarf down the rest Canters Delight
7:00 Butch Walker
8:30 Gavin is singing!
9:30 insane meet and greet line
10:30 Gavin escorted away from meet and greet booth
10:45 stranded
11:00 finally get a cab
11:30 $40 cab ride home

Friday Aug. 12
11:30 Jamba Juice
12:00 Manager yells at me
12:10 pouts
1:00 GameBoy buys me breakfast ( I love GameBoy)
1:20 migraine attack
1:30 downs migraine meds
2:00 everyone trying to figure out if I'm ok
2:30 Crazytales begs me to go home
2:35 I decline
3:00 throw up migraine meds
3:30 leave Jamba
4:45 get home
5:00 take more migraine meds and crash
6:00 wake up
6:15 calls cab
6:19 sends cab away because driver doesn't know how to get to the Greek
7:30 $35 cab ride to Greek
7:40 bump into Gavin!
7:45 get picture with Gavin!
8:30 Gavin is singing
9:00 number 13 in line for meet and greet
9:45 get tee shirt signed by Gavin! Get Jay Leno ticket signed by Gavin! Gavin thanks me for coming to all his shows!
10:00 floats home $40 Gavin memories priceless

Gavin and Me

2005-08-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

Below is a picture of me and Gavin. I am so excited right now but I'm also tired. It has been a long two days. I will post a review of the concert later this weekend. Go Gavin!

2005-08-12T23:34:00.000-07:00

Yay!!!
Posted by Picasa

I'm So Over Titles

2005-08-03T00:40:00.000-07:00

Today didn't suck. I got to work on time. My boss, I refer you to "my boss is an idiot" down below, played nice. Post vacation bliss; just a guess. I went shopping and discovered that I have gone down another size. I had a very tasty mango drink from Baskin Robins. I got paid. An old friend called me with good news. Today didn't suck. But because I am me, I will complain about one thing. One of my co-workers is as dense as a fucking rock. He's probably in his mid to late fifties, supposedly an accomplished chef, social worker, entertainment rep, and yet he still manages to be a few berries short of a bunch. Dense! I think we have had the same conversation now about 4 or 5 times. We're just not communicating. It's very aggravating. But today did not suck. And so I resolve myself to be content for all of 24 hours. I hope it doesn't kill me.

Sobering Moments

2005-07-31T20:35:00.000-07:00

I talk too much. I should really just sit in a corner and shut the hell up. I'm a babbling moron. This, of course, is an after thought of a night of drunken rambling but it doesn't make it any less true. There is always a slight exaggeration filter in my head but I just get this feeling like I offended multitudes of people last night. Without getting into too much detail, I will just apologize to the following: All the members of Dead Legend (crazytales' band http://www.myspace.com/deadlegend), their street team, GameBoy, Goddess, and umm Will Farrel. I am profoundly sorry. I didn't mean to imply that anyone was: worthless, lazy, fat, unimportant, and (insert other adjectives). Nor did I intend to: strip, sing, pry, irritate, or annoy anyone. With the exception of those guilty feelings above, I had a blast. Unfortunately I'm going to have to put a cap on my fun because I think I spent my last two weekends drinking (but only this weekend like a fish). Probably not the best extracurricular activity for an alcohol and drug counselor but let's stick it in the research file shall we. Kidding. Drinking was just the garnish; the main course was spending time with good friends. My Gavin loving best, Bev, and I took a booze cruise around Long Beach harbor: It rocked! I finally got my dance on! The bumping and grinding gods would have been proud; many able young men were sacrificed in their homage. This weekend was also for the boys: Crazy Tales and GameBoy. Thankfully I didn’t bump or grind either of them but I think I tried to show GameBoy my new bra. It is rater pretty and in all honesty I’ve flashed it sober so it was just a matter of time for him anyway.
It was fun to hang out with them for the night; I have been missing everyone at JJ so much lately. I'm really resisting this change that is washing over me at the moment. I asked. I received. Now I'm panicking. Panicking about my job and my weight and my state of mind; a part of me is engulfed in flames right now and I have no idea what's going to rise up out of the ashes. What's a girl to do? Suggestions other than drinking would be helpful.

Pudgy Peace

2005-07-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

I'm so sore. I started exercising...again. I didn't do that thing that most people do when they start a new exercising routine: push them selves until they drop. I was good. I did what I thought I could do for a good thirty minutes and my body still hurts. I guess if I want to break my pudgy peace I'm going to have to hurt for a while.
Speaking of hurting, my new job is getting on my nerves. I'm learning but I'm not getting that sense of fulfillment that I got at my other internship. I knew this would happen but they lured me with money. Selling out sucks.

The Half Blood Prince and the Half Assed Review

2005-07-25T23:48:00.000-07:00

CThis place is really starting to feel like my journal because I'm about to use a very familiar opener:

Sorry I have not written in a long time but... blah blah blah bullshit.
No, I really am sorry. If it helps any, working two jobs has robbed me of a decent social life. So technically I have a good excuse for not writing: nothing happened. Well, not nothing (Get it? "Not nothing" is a double negative meaning something did happen and that I am a dork.) Anyway, I've been busy but I have made some time for fun. However, I didn't make enough to tell you about it tonight. So this will have to be a two parter. I was going to write a quick review of Harry Potter but I can barely keep my eyes open. But you can't say I didn't deliver, this was half assed was it not?

My Boss Is An Idiot

2005-07-15T03:04:00.000-07:00

I've been officially working at the Cuckoo’s Nest for all of two weeks now and I'm convinced my boss is an idiot. He's twenty-six cocky (about what I'm still not sure) and completely apathetic to almost everything that goes on at this place. His disorganization is apparent even to the people who receive treatment at this facility. I really can't stand him. I can't go too much into detail but basically I'm working on official paper work that should have been done and turned in at least a year ago. I've done everything he has asked me to do yet this guy is on my ass every couple of hours. "What are you doing?" "Are you almost done?" No! I gave him an approximate date when I would be done but he doesn't listen. The files I'm working with are barely legible and I have to answer a 150 questionnaire; I'm going as fast as I can. I just don't understand what I did to make him not trust me. It's insulting and it really pisses me off! This is the first time I have worked for someone that I have zero respect for. He's completely insincere about the program and that is so frustrating. I'm not the person responsible for incomplete files, and his missed deadlines and I wish he would stop treating me like I was responsible for his messes. I'm so irritated right now that I can't sleep. JJ may not be my future but it's a far better work environment and at least there I'm trusted to do the work I'm assigned. I haven't even received my first pay check yet. Do you think it would be appropriate to tell this guy to get his head out of my ass?

Disaster

2005-07-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

I feel guilty for complaining about my life when there is so much going on in the world. The attack on London just instantly brought back this feeling of fear that I felt for my family and friends when the twin towers were attacked. It's odd to feel relieved when your loved ones are safe especially when you know that so many are denied that same relief. So with that said I will save my complaining for another day. My prayers go out to everyone who suffered in the London attacks and the families who continue to suffer.

Happy 5th of July! Umm Yay

2005-07-05T19:04:00.000-07:00

Right now I’m in Coffee Bean glaring at this guy sitting directly in front of me. How long do you think he’ll sit there before he gets freaked out? I give him five minutes before he grabs his (insert coffee jargon) drink and leaves. If you are trying to figure out what's up with me, please let the mystery be solved: I'm on my period. I'm moody as hell. Hey! My guys on the move and under five minutes, I must be very intense looking today. LOL I have to start using my powers for good.
Anyway, I totally neglected a 4th of July blog because I got all caught up in my traveling pants. My forth was good. I celebrated my independence the American way—going to work. Yep, I was at Jamba most of the day. It wasn’t so bad, I made time and a half and hung out with good friends. Plus Pluffy came back! In case I forgot to mention it, my friend Pluffy has been in London for the last month. I really missed him. I’ve mentioned on here how much I love my Monday’s at JJ, well he’s a big part of the why. It was good to see him, even though he came back empty handed. No gifts, no pictures, no stories that didn’t involve getting drunk… nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he came back safely but at the least I expected to see some pictures. He’s a little more concerned, however, with his real estate exam this Thursday. I’m not worried about him, he’s a total smart ass and I’m sure he’ll be fine.
As far as the other players in my deck…Crazy Tales, Gameboy, and (I have to give SD a nick) Goddess. We always have fun together but yesterday we actually had moments. Ok Crazy Tales and I had a moment, Goddess and I had weirdness but humorous weirdness. I’ll elaborate on the weirdness some other time but Crazy Tales and I had a really nice conversation. I guess that’s nothing new but he’s such a sweet kid and I like being reminded that there are kind people in the world. Speaking of good people, Gameboy made me watch Team America. Oh my god! I was shocked and appalled. And when I wasn’t shocked and appalled I was mildly entertained… ok a lot entertained. Although, I think I can live another twenty four years without seeing puppets defecate on each other. And on that note…

The Sisterhood

2005-07-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

Tibby: Yeah, she said that we were right all along and that the pants are magic and I don't know the details but I do know Lena and for her to say that must mean... that it must be true... so I was thinking that maybe you could have them for a while.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Every so often a movie comes along that has me out doing something ridiculous; rather, wanting to do something ridiculous. Remember I’m not big on the spontaneity but a for instance would be watching Chocolate and wishing I had a diabetic grandmother to reconnect with or wanting to re-evaluate my life because it worked so well for that pilot guy in Illusions. Whatever! So after a long day at work, I got the urge to take in a show or you know watch the new crop of bootlegs I just got. No judgments please. I have been dying to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants since it came out so I was happy for the few hours of uninterrupted time and interest. It was really a good movie. Luckily it was well written and the cast was great and blah blah blah. It was good enough to make me want some sort of sisterhood of my own and to be sixteen and fall in love. Mostly, it made me want to read because I was just thinking that I hadn't read a good book in a while. But it made me crave something I haven't even thought about for years--girlfriends. I don't have any girlfriends. In high school I had my own sisterhood. My two best friends and I were all unique individuals who somehow completed or complimented each other. That all went down hill in college. Now most of my friends consist of co-workers, gay guys, and schoolmates. Not that any of those are bad but I just feel like I need to make some new friends; friends that have nothing to do with my current life what so ever. I think I’m just craving change in general… I guess this would be the part where I make some sort of big realization about my life. Sorry to disappoint but I’m all out of realizations, all I have are a whole lot of empty wants with no real insight into anything. Except that you all should go see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Eyes Wide Open

2005-07-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

Getting up this morning was a chore. I was eight AM ready at three. I can't even think right now. So of course I got no writing done today; my summer novel is still on my mental book shelf. I will get it started. I will. My scheduled writing days are Friday morning and Monday afternoon. Those are the only two days I have a block of time free to myself. I'm working every single day now. This summer is going to be nuts.

Cheap Labor

2005-06-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

Carl Fox: Money's only something you need in case you don't die tomorrow...
Wall Street

It’s official; I’m the latest inmate at the Cuckoo’s Nest. The pay sucks but I get to train at a functioning, I use that term lightly, alcohol and drug facility while I get my certification. I can take my experience and run if the spirit moves me but I’ve got both feet in the mix for the time being. Yay me!

Take Two of These and Call Me Never

2005-06-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

Colin: "I'm going to die."
Mary: "From what?"
Colin: "Everything. "
The Secret Garden (1993)

I hate going to the doctor. They give out conditions and then sell you the supposed cures. When I was a kid my doctor told me I was going to die because I had diabetes. While my diabetes and I get along fine my relationship with my physician has grown cold. After a two year separation I tried to reconcile and low and behold I've now got another condition to look after: High-blood pressure. Now I have these really debilitating migraine headaches. I'm not sure if they are a side effect from the medication or a sign of my high-blood pressure. I have no idea but they are driving me nuts. If you have never had a migraine let me enlighten you. A migraine for me means pounding, lots of pounding on one side of my head. It also means blurred vision and nausea. (Danger: Sarcastic remark up ahead) They are just a delight, especially when you wake up with one at two in the morning: Like gifts from heaven. I have always suffered from migraines but I got them maybe once or twice a month. Now I have one or two a week. I can't take it!
I have to go to work. I'm starting at the Nest today. There better be a discussion about how much I will be making before I put in any more time there. To tell the truth, I have been stalling until I get the director's attention. I think it's working now he is talking about hiring me full time. I’m not leaving my current job for less than $12hr. I really want 14 but I know that might be pushing it. I asked for 14 so I will see what happens today. Bye for now.

Summer Time

2005-06-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

Charlie Kaugman: "To begin... To begin... How to start? I'm hungry. I should get coffee. Coffee would help me think. Maybe I should write something first, then reward myself with coffee. Coffee and a muffin. So I need to establish the themes. Maybe a banana nut. That's a good muffin." Adaptation

Ever since I was a kid I have always given myself a summer project. When I was twelve, for instance, I taught myself how to bake bread. I learned a lot. Mostly I learned that I have neither the talent nor the patience for bread making but it was a lesson well learned to say the least. One summer I made myself watch fifty of the AFI’s top one hundred and just three summers ago I learned how to sew. So this summer I really want to make myself do something great. That’s why I’ve decided to write a novel. I have always loved to write but I’ve got my thumbs up waiting for a vehicle of inspiration that never seems to come. I think it’s time to jump the driver’s seat.
Children’s stories have always been my favorite; I think I will start there. When I’m writing I’m knee deep in verse but right now I can’t stop thinking about the ordinary clock work functions of the everyday. It’s going to take me sometime to get into the swing of things but I can’t wait to get started. Oh how I love the summer.

Damaging My Soul

2005-06-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

This will be the last time I mention my crush. I have to let it go now. I’ll miss loving him like he was mine. At least this time I realized before I made a fool of myself that this union was ill fated. I really need to start liking guys who like back for a change. If only I could let my issues with men go as easily as I let go my crushes. Oh well, one load at a time.

Crush by Gavin DeGraw, from the album "Chariot"
Well my past came in, you dropped the ball
It didn't change the way I feel
And I was wishing I'd break down your walls
The kiss will know if lips stay still
There is a line I crossed
There when you missed I lost
I'm not a loser
Girl, you know that I'll be back again
My Dear, I went for the steal
Maybe it was rushed
Oh my crush, I've got a crush
I suppose that I could hold it in
But you excite my every cell
Sources say that senses are your friends
My senses say that I should tell
You that I'm not ashamed
You might just feel the same
But you have to try it
If you're ever really going to know
My Dear, I went for the steal
Maybe it was rushed
Oh my crush, I've got a crush
I want to
I need to
I have to have you
You're so much to touch
Girl, you're too much
And I can't control it - you've got me all over the road
My Dear, I went for the steal
Maybe it was rushed
Oh my crush
Damaging my soul
You blew me up, but I don't mind
I just get better with time
And so do you
So do you
My crush

Fruit Salad

2005-06-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

This post will just have to be a verbal fruit salad since I haven’t posted in a few days.

Friend of the Family
So I went to Pride and it was awesome. I met up with my best friend and his boyfriend on Saturday and my good friend Leo on Sunday. I missed the parade but it was a crazy fun weekend. Saturday night I got to see Blondie and a very blonde Lucy Lawless belt out a couple of random tunes. Dan, my best, and I danced all night. I forgot how much I love to dance. I’m planning on making it a regular thing.
Sunday afternoon at pride provided many happy hours; Leo and I got drunk and he got us kicked out of this random bar. It was really stupid, he flipped off the bartender for god knows what reason and got all of us booted super fast. It was ok though, I really needed to leave anyway and I was getting too comfortable. I hadn’t seen Leo in a few months so I was kind of hesitant to leave but I couldn’t miss Marc Broussard.
Sort of off topic but I recently lost 25lbs. and Dan and Leo just kept telling me how great I looked; I felt so damn sexy. Not to mention that I got hit on all weekend. That’s right I’m not ashamed. I’m the shit. LOL ok that was a little overboard but I felt really good about myself. My self-esteem is usually spinning on the delicate cycle; it was nice to swim around in the hot water for a change.

Marc B
In case you forgot, Pride and Marc Broussard coincided. My concert fun happed that Friday and Sunday night. It was crazy going to both events but very worth it. Marc kicked massive booty. I had so much fun at these shows, I can’t even describe it. I wish I knew how to put music up on this page because I would add some of his live tracks so you could all hear his awesomeness. Sunday’s show was the best. The place was packed and I made it in time for the opening acts. I missed out on Josh Kelly, one of the openers, Friday night because I was twisting my hair. It had to be done my fro was a mess. Anyway, JK rocked the house. I had no idea who he was when he performed but it was a pleasant surprise to find out. I also checked in with some of my concert buddies. It’s just a bunch of these girls that I always run into; we’ve all got similar taste. All in all it was a great weekend.

Take a Trip to Long Island
GameBoy and I went to see American Eyes last Friday. It all went down at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood. I had never been there before so I was mildly excited about the new venue. It’s a small club but then again most of the clubs in LA are tiny. I missed my chance to say hello to Oliver again. I swear to god that I really do know this guy. LoL Anyway, it was a lot of fun. I got a little tipsy on the Long Island but GameBoy kept me from falling off. Oli and his band rocked as always but there set was really short: five songs long. After the show we made a really sad attempt to find Oli and the boys and then we got the hell out of dodge. One of my co-workers, Crazy Tales, had a little get together going so we stumbled over to his house. It was a lot of fun, too much fun. We stayed there to about 4:30 in the morning. I had to be to work by six, mind you, so GameBoy and I spent the rest of the…umm morning at JJ. I fell asleep on a box of oranges. Enough said. Check out my nifty souvenirs from that night below… It was just one of those random things; Crazy Tales gave me his flip flops. Speaking of random, I probably gained back 5lbs. due to all alcohol and midnight munchies. Why does food taste better in the middle of the night?

2005-06-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

Crazy Tales Flip Flops
Posted by Hello

Monday Monday

2005-06-06T16:11:00.000-07:00

"Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler... " Office Space
General
I'm tired. I worked all weekend. My hair is a mess. I need to get my eyebrows done...the whole package is a wreck. Oh and I'm on my period. With that said, I feel pretty good. I'm looking forward to this week. It’s Marc Broussard madness at the Sunset House of Blues. Two fun filled nights of Marc Broussard. For those of you who have not heard of him please educate yourself. http://www.islandrecords.com/marcbroussard/site/home.las
He's an amazing singer, song writer and performer. He's on his way up so climb aboard.
Anyway, I have that to look forward to and I was just informed that this weekend is also gay pride. I totally forgot. I'm not sure I will be going but I had such a great time last year I feel like I need to go.

Work
Work today was hot and cold. Mondays are my favorite because I get to work with RB; code name Pluffy. It’s just an all star line up at JJ on Mondays; I have a lot of fun. Plus, Monday is breakfast at JJ day; Gameboy and I have a little routine of eating breakfast together and I look forward to that as well. The cold water in the mix happened because a customer got irritated with me. This guy was just being a jerk. I choose to believe he was having a bad day. Really, if you have to walk into some retail, fast food place, what ever and take out all you aggression on someone who's making a lousy 7-8 dollars an hour you must be having a hard day. Anyway, he menacingly grabbed a comment card and grumbled his way out the door. I guess he likes to share his bad day with others. Good for him, sharing is a lost art. I hope his drink gave him gas. LoL ( And I was trying so hard to feel for this guy).

School
My internships are at an end but I won't have time to miss them because I'm going to continue with them into the summer. I will probably be doing different stuff at the same facilities. Good news: The Cuckoos Nest wants to hire me! Now I know I said I hated it there but for the right price I will gladly join the rest of the asylum. They need a lot of help and I need a new job; it’s a win/win. I hate to say it but I’m excited. It's not the ideal place but it says something: I’m employable. I never felt like I was good enough but I guess I am.

Family
My family has a lot in common with an Almond Joy: Its chock full of nuts. I hate nuts but what’s a girl to do. A whole host of people on my mom’s side of the family is having financial problems. It’s a mess. I don’t even feel like thinking about it but it’s stressing my mom out and I hate to see her hurting. All I can do is pray for them; some lessons just have to be learned. And that’s all I have to say about that…

Random Much
Got speakers for my iPod. Yay! Saw Oliver. Look out for another American Eyes adventure. Gavin’s in LA in two months. I’ve got the Gavin fund going. It’s getting pretty strong to. I’m crushing hard on this guy or it could just be the fact I’m on my period. (Remember denial is your friend). Being sick sucks. I love (insert random holiday) sales. Oh and incase any of you were wondering, my friend Dina picked up two of the kittens so they are happy and safe.
Until next time people

...And Now For a Special Report

2005-06-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

When I posted the "kittens in my mailbox" pictures, I was supposed to be on a bus heading to school so elaboration was pushed aside for the sake of being fashionably late instead of MIA. Although I can not speak on the behalf of the mother, I can honestly say that I will not be mailing the kittens to Abu Dhabi. The mother may have other intentions. We’re not on speaking terms. If we were I know we have had a conversation about child safety. Why she thought they were safer on my front porch instead of where she had them hidden is beyond me. No more Garfield specials for her.
Unfortunatly I will not be able to keep the kittens but I'm sure I will be able to find them good homes. They are so cute. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming....

2005-06-01T16:45:00.001-07:00

Aww so cute
Posted by Hello

2005-06-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

Kittens in my mailbox
Posted by Hello

On Location

2005-06-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

Hey all (or, more likely, one)! I'm writing this from one of my internships. Not the one I hate. This one I actually get to do hands on stuff like intakes, referrals and semi one on ones. It's really slow today. It's the first of the month. Most people receive their benefit checks around this time. I guess if your addiction is being funded by the state, it's hard to want sobriety.
Usually there are anywhere from 5 to 15 people waiting to get into detox. I'm learning a lot here; it's an interesting place. All of my preconceived notions about drug addicts are being shattered. Anyone can be addicted to alcohol and drugs. The ederly woman sitting next you on the bus, the thirteen year girl you see walking to school in the morning, or that lost person you see on the street corner begging for change. It just amazes me how addiction affects so many people; unfortunately its a great equalizer.
I've mentioned here before how my father contracted AIDS from sharing needles; I wish he had found a place like this or wanted to be in a place like this. He wanted to get high more; I guess he got his wish. Being here just puts things in perspective. People are suffering. They go to such extremes to relieve or avoid their suffering that it destroys their whole lives for a custom made Hell.

If you have a friend or loved one who is suffering from substance abuse problems please check out the following

www.samhsa.gov
www.findrecovery.com
http://www.recoveryresources.org/
http://www.soberrecovery.com/?source=AW

Drained

2005-05-31T23:45:00.000-07:00

"I am sick! I am sick! I am sick sick sick! Psychologically I'm sick!" Westside Story

So I work at Jamba Juice. There I said it! I love the smell of fresh lemons and oranges. Wheatgrass is good for you. I hate the Strawberry's Wild but I love the Mango a Go Go. I'm a Jamba Juicer; witness the whirl be-otch! Now that I got that off my chest, I hate my job. Well I don't hate it hate it. It's just starting to get to me. I love the customers, my boss is nice and I'm friends or friendly with most of my co-workers. But, there's always a but isn't there, I feel like this place is holding me back. I want to quit but I don't have a plan and that scares me. I'm putting so much time and effort into some place that will never give me something back. It's just starting to drain on me. I'm not hugely spontaneous so the whole I'll quit now and find a job later thing just does not appeal to me. I've got Gavin concerts to go to people lol. That's probably the biggest kicker. I'd make a thousand Strawberry's Wilds to get to one Gavin DeGraw concert but I digress... I know that this is just a means to an end but the more I'm there the more I feel like I'm going to be there forever. That's thing, I think I'm more passionate about going to a concert than I am about my own life. I think I gave up on my self a long time ago. Plus I have cold and that really sucks.

The Cuckoo's Nest

2005-05-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

"Would you like a glimpse at Pain Eternal? LOOK!" Dogma

Since I’m pretty sure no one reads this blog, I can safely say that my boring existence isn’t out there infecting others. With that said… it begins. My basic needs are covered; thankfully, most of my problems are metaphysical. A state in which I do not take for granted. So back to my meaningless bullshit, I hate my internship. I’m training to be a chemical dependency counselor, which means I want to work with people who have addictions to drugs and alcohol. I’m at the stage where I’m supposed to me doing hands on work. Instead I’m working at this place that I think could care less about their patients. I'm pretty sure there are some confidentially rules I’m going to have to mind here but I can give you the long and short. So this place, lets call it the Cuckoo’s Nest, is crazy. It’s completely disorganized and ran by a man who is, cute and charming, has no understanding of addiction counseling what so ever. Their counselor who is a wonderful women is MIA because of health problems and I’m guessing she was the only on who really cared for these people. Meanwhile their program has been inactive since her absence and all their participants are…well MIA to. There is no clear record of what happened to her clients! What bothers me is that this place is more concerned about charging these people for God knows what kind of treatment they got, then finding out what happened to them. Did they get help after they left? Did they continue their sobriety? Are they lying in a ditch somewhere? Who knows? Who cares? Let’s just make sure we get this billing information done since we haven’t been paid in a whole six months! It just bothers me. These people had families and lives that where already put on hold because of their addiction, now it’s being put on hold because office politics. Speaking as someone who has been to therapy, it’s really hard to establish trust with a therapist. Lord knows what it’s like when you have to admit things like shooting up when you child is in the next room or something like that. I know their counselor cared for them I just want this guy to care a little more. It’s frustrating. Am I overreacting here?
On the subject of my dysfunction, I have a crush on a guy who is so wrong for me. We’re talking Buffy/ Spike action. I’m trying to stick it in my denial file and let it collect dust. Plus I missed Gavin DeGraw on Regis and Kelly. And you know how I hate to miss Gavin!

Childish Behavior

2005-05-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

"Somewhere around 25, bizarre becomes immature." Singles

I have several main goals in life. But if one were to ask me what I was pursuing right now it would have to be getting my certification in Alcohol and Drug Counseling. I’m interning at two facilities now and one of them wants to hire me when I’m done with my training. The place is crazy but the fact that they want me to work there gave my heart a little leap for joy. In the mean time, I work in the service industry (sounds very high and mighty but it’s far from it). I like my job. I like the people there more but they are starting to get to me. The job I have should be drama free but it seldom is; I think it’s because I work with so many guys. All of them, in one way or another, are immature for their age. (Everyone working there is slightly immature: My self included). Take Chicken Little, he’s been hurt and he carries it on his back like Hercules did the world. He’s a sweetheart but he’s so needy. I feel for him, I know what it’s like to think of nothing but your own pain but he really needs grieve and move on. Then there’s Animal House, I call him that ‘cause he’s got a non stop party attitude that he’s drowning rapidly in alcohol. The boy has a problem; that’s my professional opinion. He’s so immature sometimes I feel like putting him in time out. (Nanny 911: Assistance needed stat). He’s been annoying me lately because he’s in a foul mood and doing the whole “I’m not talking to anyone” thing. We played that game in high school. I hated it then and I hate it now. He’s completely irresponsible, knows it, and has the nerve to get mad at anyone who challenges him: Talk about arrogant. It’s frustrating watching someone lose themselves in alcohol and drugs. (A great sense of humor, intelligence, and good looks wasted). Then there’s my favorite: Game Boy. I love him to death. He’s the nicest guy anyone could ever meet but he’s so darn sensitive it’s hard to read him at times. He has a tendency to bottle up his feelings so tight that you never really see them until he explodes. He’s so vulnerable emotionally that he only knows how to react with anger. It’s the only way he can express himself without feeling powerless. We clashed heads once (man was that epic) but now we’re cool. I worry about him sometimes because he’s got the whole Peter Pan thing going; I wish this lost boy would find his way home, he’d be an amazing guy if that ever happened. I guess my problem is I actually care about these people... I guess it would be a lot easier not to get involved in the mock dramas if I didn’t.

The End of an Era

2005-05-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

I watched the series finale of Charmed last night. It was sad, not the episode but the ending, there are no more shows around like Buffy, Angel, or Charmed. I’m going to miss it.

What is Normal Anyway?

2005-05-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

You Are 55% Normal
(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

Its official I’m not normal. lol Got to love that picture tho

How Normal Are You?

I'm Fat and Nobody Likes Me

2005-05-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

"I am having a bad day! The worst damn day of my whole damn life! If it is not too much to ask will you all just back the fuck off!" 28 Days

My therapist once gave me the assignment of having a "happy journal." In this journal I was supposed to keep track of all the good things in my day: I never quite took to that journal. Ok slightly melodramatic on my part but today was just a bad day. I won't lie to you; there was no sequence of unfortunate events the planets align against me. I'm just in a bad mood; bad days are more of a state of mind anyway.

Totally Random

2005-05-19T22:20:00.000-07:00

"I'm listening so hard I hear promises when somebody's just sayin hello." Roma

Everyone’s got issues and I’m nothing special. My particular issues mostly have to do with men. They started when I was really young: And that’s all I got to say about that. But let’s talk in the present. I don’t think I’ve ever had a male friend that I wasn’t remotely attracted to until recently but I think my body is rejecting it. Sign number one: It just occurred to me that he was cute. He’s funny and cool and I admire aspects of him. Sign number two: the dreams. I’ve had several dreams about him all of which he’s asking me out and I always say yes without hesitation. Sign number three: I miss him. I totally miss him when I don’t see him. I’m screwed. I’m praying that it will go away like a cold, like maybe if I get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids it will just flush right out of my system. I don’t want to lose a good friend just because I can’t fight my urge to act like I’m twelve. Maybe it’s my period…

Friday the 13th

2005-05-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

"And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just "Something That Happened." This cannot be "One of those things..." This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohhhh. These strange things happen all the time. " Magnolia

My Friday the 13th plans went well; American Eyes rocks and it won't be long before that is common knowledge. Their set was too short and I missed my friend Oliver but hey I was with good friends and in good sprits so I can't complain. That was probably one of the few good things about that day. In fact, it was just an odd day all together. I don't believe in bad luck or anything like that but that Friday was just a collection of weirdness.
I work on Melrose in Hollywood CA, it's a popular place, and I could run into anyone I have known over the years without trying too hard. So without trying, I ran into a girl I went to grade school with; correction, she ran into me. Now I haven't thought about my 6-8th grade years since I was in 6-8th grade; truth be told I hated that period of my life. I hated my school, my teachers, and myself; it was a bad time. The only man I considered to be my father died from AIDS related complications. My mom took it really hard; she doesn’t deal with death well and let’s just say that now I don’t deal with it well either. Take all of that and mix it with normal adolescent awkwardness and you have a formula for childhood trauma.
So this girl and I went to school together. So what! I don't remember us being friends or friendly or even remotely respectful of each other. The way I remember it she and her friends used to tease me quite a bit but you never would I have known that from the way she greeted me: like we were long lost sisters ripped apart at birth. I don't know. I know people change. I am certainly not the same person I was when I was in 6th grade but it just messed with me. It's probably has less to do with her and more to do with all the personal crap that was going on in my life at the time; she just embodied that for that day. It kind of made me feel sick and helpless as if I was that awkward child again who just wanted to be with her daddy. You know? What kills me is my last memory of this girl is she and her friends making fun of the way I cried. The long and the short of it is, I broke down crying in front of my 7th grade class when my dad died. Not so much cried as in beautiful heartfelt tears but cried as in wailed. Cried as in immobilized by grief... right in front of a bunch of children. (And we all know how compassionate and understanding children can be). It wasn't exactly sunshine and lollypops. It's the kind of thing that leaves a mark. It's the kind of thing that makes you want to act like an angry and hurt 6th grader when an old bully wants to make nice.
Speaking of childish behavior makes me think of my job but I’m going to have to save that for my next post.

Good night.

Up all night

2005-05-13T00:43:00.000-07:00

I am wee todd did.
I am sofa king wee todd did.

It’s late. I’m tired yet wide awake. I spent all day in a windowless office pushing papers from one end of the room to another. In other words, I spent the day as ant (I think I just went a few notches down on the food chain). All is not lost, there’s always alcohol which I plan on consuming large quantities of tomorrow night or I guess tonight since it’s now officially another day. I’m also bummed because I just found out I missed yet another shot at seeing Gavin DeGraw. Can you hear my heart breaking…

On the upside, I have plans to hang out with friends from work. I’m really looking forward to it because while I’m not always crazy about my job my co-workers are always cool. I don’t know if that is to my detriment or not. I don’t want to be too comfortable at a job that I was only planning on having for a year or two; I don’t want it to hold me back. I’ve been there now for a year and a few weeks and I know I need to start moving on but… I’m lost for words.

Speaking of friends…(denial) the reason all my friends and I are getting together, umm besides food and alcohol, is because we are all supporting a band called American Eyes. If you’re in the West Los Angeles area you should check them out at the Key Club, Friday the 13th starting at 7pm. http://www.americaneyesmusic.com/index.php

They are an awesome band if you’re into the whole punk rock thing. I guess I should get to bed now since I have to be to work in oh about 6 hours. Good morning and have a great Friday the 13th.

Me-ow

2005-05-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

Me
My first blog! Wow. Next thing you know I'll be wearing faux-vintage tees and spiking my hair. Wait I shouldn't start with sarcasm this early in the relationship. Let me start over... Hi my name is Cat. I'm 24 going no where very fast and just self loathing enough to whine about it online (that's not sarcasm just brute honesty). Let me not talk about who I am. How about I talk about what I want to be... I think I'm a writer, an actress, and a pedestrian supper hero (but don't tell the parental units who don't consider any of those to be real jobs). But more realistically, I'm a good student, a decent writer, and a horrible actress. I know who I am but not what I want to do with my life and thus stuck in real world limbo; a comfortable hell of sorts. Don't misunderstand, I'm not ungrateful I have a lot things to be thankful for: a great family (ok not great but I've seen worse), good friends, a roof over my head, and a body that suggest I'm another lazy American. On the basic needs level I'm totally straight.
Boys
What would a diary be (even an online one) if boys or just sex wasn't involved somehow. Sexually I'm a bear and right now it's the dead of winter. But not everything is frozen over, I do kind of have a little crush on this guy in my acting class but we like the same musicals! Not too promising with my track record. (Note to self: Gay men make excellent friends but horrible boyfriends). But besides the whole musical thing, he’s kind of cool. He’s funny, a great actor, talented singer and musician… and probably gay! Crushes are invigorating regardless; I can't help but admire the need for love and understanding within myself and others. I'm human what a surprise.
Obsessions
Gavin DeGraw. Gavin DeGraw. Gavin DeGraw. Gavin DeGraw. All work and no play make Cat a dull girl...
MUSIC- I love music and this man makes it like no other. I'm dying because he is playing a concert that is only two or three hours away from me and I can't go. Oh the humanity!
While we're on the subject of music, I'm a huge music lover and I love mostly all kinds of music. Ok mostly jazz but I branch out... really I do. Trust me.
MOVIES-I also love movies. God I love movies! Classic to contemporary. Look for movie reviews in the future.
BOOKS- I love to read. It's relaxing. I haven't had much time to do any lately but I guess I will probably do some book reviews on here to. Actually I just got a new book today. I kind of fancy myself a playwright so I have been trying to read more plays which is so difficult when you are battling horrible all girl catholic school memories.

New Book: "Viet Rock: Four Plays by Megan Terry"
Latest Music Obsession: Arcade Fire
Last Movie Viewed: Sin City (oh the wonderful violence)